Step-Thoughts in Gay

So when do I accept that I’m an actual parent?  I don’t feel like I am, and I don’t feel like Hudson sees me that way.  I don’t have a desire to be seen that way yet.  I still feel like a kid.  I don’t want to feel like I have additional responsibilities when I don’t want them yet.  I don’t like when a night gets traded, and we don’t get to be alone.  I’m selfish.  This is why I didn’t want kids to begin with.

 Obviously, Little Dude is great and I love him.  If it was a deal breaker, I would have walked away a long time ago.  There’s still a part of me that feels like I’m losing out.  I can’t just get away for a weekend.  It has to be planned and scheduled, and have drama involved.  I get woken up at 3:00AM to a kid that has to go potty.  Maybe when I’m ok with feeling like a parent, that’s when I will accept that I am a parent.  Kind of backwards, no?  I mean, if I make the kid food, and threaten timeouts, and teach him how to spell, and how to shoot a goal, I’m kinda a parent already, right?  When my friends tell me I’m a parent, I refuse…and it irritates me.

It’s good that Lady Friend doesn’t put that responsibility on me.  That he’s her son, and her responsibility so she doesn’t expect me to be a parent.  And I know the way I am with Little Dude is mother approved or else that would have been a deal breaker for her.

Part of me feels guilty because I don’t want to feel like a parent.  Then I feel guilty because sometimes I just want to be with a young, hot, single chick with no drama and no kid.  But I know I have something good, and some hard work is worth it.  

So, I will preempt that, I realize lady friend and my relationship is still new.  That doesn’t mean that I have to think rationally at all times however.

Little Dude is around 3 1/2 now, and is for the most part, potty trained, (thank you toilet gods).  That means it’s time for preschool, (thank you school gods).  Lady Friend has had the luck and smarts to work from home since little dude was born.  However, lately some changes have happened that will force the school thing to come a little more quickly than she expected.  So comes the hard part of actually choosing a school.  It’s got to be close, affordable, non religious, and meet the Lady Friend’s standards.  You know whose standards they don’t have to meet?  Yup, that would be mine.  Do I have a say at all?  Um, no.  What happens when I work from home, and I’m the closet one to him?  I don’t think anybody thought about that one.  CrazyDad got to go on a tour.  (Given, we have yet to reach meeting terms…he’s pissed to say the least).  But still, no invite, no thought.

It only makes me think about the future.  Will things change?  Will I fit into a parent role somewhere down the line?   Will I alway be the, “fat, ugly, paranoid, control freak” to the CrazyDad?  Well, probably.  Does this affect my future involvement in decisions, opinions, etc?  It better not.  That’s the problem.  He doesn’t now how to put anybody first, (except himself of course).  Lady Friend has to constantly tell me that I can’t get involved, (with his drama), because it would make her life and Little Dude’s life more stressful.  Ugh, fine!  I will however, always imagine some parking lot fight between the two of us and I have magically inherited the skills of Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee combined.  I can still have my fun in my imagination.

Anyway, I can only hope that soon I will start being counted on, and counted in on the parenting responsibilities.  Because if this is going to work, we have to be a very strong unit…(hehe unit).  People will never believe that it can work, and he can grow up without issues.  I say, how can children loved by so many people be discredited so easily?

Let me try to break it down.  No, I don’t have a kid.  We’ve only been dating a year give or take, (my girlfriend, not the kid, ew).  We’re lesbians, (that word makes me feel 50 years old and I have an odd sensation to cut my hair short).  We don’t live together.  We’re not married, nor will we be anytime soon.  Her soon to be ex-husband is crazy and hates me, (I suppose that could be a whole other blog, but I digress).  Her son is 3.  He is awesome.  She is awesome.  And yes, I am awesome.  However, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids.  I definitely wasn’t ready to have them.  Yet here I am, learning as I go.  

I’m always thinking:

How much of a parent am I?  Will I be?  Should I be?  I don’t want to step on toes, but I want to be involved.  Is it too soon to be super involved?

Along with:

Am I ready for a kid to be around all the time?  Can I handle this?  Will I be a good influence?  Can I give up all my freedom?  Is it worth it?  How the hell am I going to be able to do this?

And more in the future:

Will he hate me later on?  Will he understand?  Will he be a good kid?  Can he handle having lesbian parentals?

I guess we’ll see what happens as time goes on.  Maybe this blog can be entertaining, or helpful, or inspiring, or stupid, or anything we make it to be.